Yesterday morning and this last week and half have been anything but what I had expected. And quite honestly, while I believe we are taught when we are young to project what we want in the future, and to have some sort of 5 year plan mapped out, things don’t go according to plan. While I think having a plan or something to strive towards is a good driver, being able to adapt and roll with the punches is incredibly important and perhaps not always emphasized as something that life will throw at you as you grow through the years.
This week and last, have been reiterations of that lesson as life continues to throw some major curve balls (think broken pipes with water damage, house fires, copperhead snake bites, and theft - all unrelated) on top of a planned oral surgery and I’m not going to say that my attitude has always been positive. Yes, I’ve tried to find a silver lining. I’ve tried to smile or think of something else. I’ve tried to grin and bear it and take care of what has to get done. But that doesn't mean that it’s been easy or that I haven’t felt like a victim at times, because I have. I’d been feeling strong mentally, well maybe relatively so while managing different crises, (definitely overwhelmed at times, feeling nauseated over severity of situations, but trying to stay grateful and find small things to find gratitude within), until yesterday morning when my car was rifled through and my cash and sunglasses were stolen from my car. Then I felt violated in a way I never have experienced before. I felt angry. But now as I type this later on in the afternoon and after I spent the day unexpectedly canceling credit cards that were found strewn about my car (yes, I accidentally left my wallet in a bag that I’d done a late evening grocery store run and had forgotten to not only lock my car which I usually do, but I’d forgotten to bring the bag into the house with my wallet in it, and yes I’ve beaten myself up some about it for better or worse), but now I feel sorry for the person. I feel a bit sorry that they have fallen into a system of sorts where they feel the need to rifle through cars to take something to sustain their livelihood.
And maybe more importantly I’ve come to peace today and last night with thinking of it as just “stuff.” It’s not something to hold on to. It’s just a weight to pull me down if I chose to focus on the negative aspects of this. A friend asked if I’d wondered about why this was all happening to me, and honestly, I’m not letting myself focus on “why,” because there is no why and I hadn’t thought of considering why. I’ve been through enough major life altering experiences to know that It’s about how to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward with what you have and how to make the most of it. And so I’m acknowledging that it hasn’t been fun to deal with, but I’m letting go of it and trying to look ahead. To leave behind things that have not been serving me, including but not limited to attitudes, actual “stuff,” and perspectives. I’m also beyond grateful when I reached out into the world to lean on friends for support yesterday when I just felt exhausted from it all. I felt supported and encouraged to keep going, and it gave me a burst of energy along with mediation, and listening to some tunes that put me in a different frame of mind to put things behind me.
Staffa, Scotland - Photo by Martha Hoelzer While some might see the crashing waves as overwhelming, and trust me, there are times when I have, there are other times when I can view the incredible strength, glory, beauty, and might that they provide too.
I’ve found myself feeling stuck at times recently, trying to chase what might be dead ends and possible paths in search for how to successfully launch a small business that I see could be promising to help others. I have successfully applied for artist grants to connect the world of art and science together, however with unsuccessful results. I’ve sent off countless emails trying to figure out how to connect the dots. I’ve found myself driven, motivated, and excited about the possibility of what could happen from all of those emails, applications, and hours researching. And then the positivity bubbles up within me and continues to drive me forward. And deep within me, something keeps gnawing at me deep within feeling that there’s something really “right” about this project and to not give up, but to perhaps acknowledge that it may not continue to stay in the same shape as I’d once perceived it.
I’ve thought about and tried to search out masters programs that could combine the arts and sciences with a project that I have in mind to accomplish. I’ve thought about posting online to see if I were to plead for help with my research that perhaps others would know where to look for programs that I have not yet uncovered. After I just typed that, I decided to try to post on Twitter to see if anyone out there knows of a program. So far the Twitter verse has been quiet, but I don’t have a large following either, so I’m not terribly surprised. I know I’m a hard worker and that I have a strong drive. I know I have a diverse background and knowledge base from which to draw. I know I have skills to share and build. And more importantly I want to work with others because I believe in the power of relationships. But I will also say that there are times when I feel like forging a new path is sometimes exhausting.
And so it’s like a ping pong game in my mind of being motivated and driven to keep moving this project forward and every now and again things wearing me down, causing me to pause and divert my focus and energy as I keep pushing forward. It reminds me in some ways of training for a race. Some days your body feels like it’s gliding down the trails or around the track with such ease and grace, while other days your body rebels in your pushing forward and it wants to go slower. Yet, when you get out there to run your race, you hopefully, can see all the logged miles of effort and feel confident that you are ready for the next thing.
So, as I’m writing, I’m reminding myself that I can play the victim of what all has unfortunately found it’s way into my path in the last week or so, or I can acknowledge that it’s been a helluva ride and tough at that, but it’s not stopping me from moving forward and going after some of my goals. And these other life events may be challenges along the way that are distractions, but perhaps will shed light on things in ways I may not have seen before. I may not always know how to get those goals accomplished of finding funding or figuring out how to wrap a masters degree into my project, but hopefully with perseverance and my drive I will somehow figure it out. Or, better yet, perhaps one of those emails, or research components will come to fruition and I can feel really excited that hours of work have paid off. Because, with those years of supposed planning for what you think you may want, some of those unexpected curveballs, which could be perceived as negative things may just steer you on a path you never could have predicted. So I’m trying to keep up hope.